Coping the Agony of Life

Seven months ago today, I had the worse day of my entire life. Seven months ago today, I awoke of the dreadful news that I completely losing you. Seven months ago today, I couldn't eat & I sat in a daze in a blank sky thinking of you, while the rest of the world normally lived. Seven months ago today, I began a day of long downward journey into insanity, depression, and fear unlike any I'd ever experienced in the past. Seven months ago today, I no longer had hope and I felt like my life was over. Seven months ago today, I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare. Seven months ago today, I'm still bleeding and spend a crying sleepless night. Seven months ago today, I still wish you were alive, comforting me with your prayer.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU MY DEAR MOTHER! I TRULY MISS YOU TO THE MOON & BACK. COULDN'T WAIT FOR THAT RESURRECTION MORNING TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART.

Preengaged After A Great Loss

I've been blog absent for a month and a half. The fondness of keeping posted my online journal was on hibernation for a while on the grounds that, I am still paining and partly agonizing. The death of my mother is the most painful & excruciatingly stinging so to speak.
I am trying to move on, but the insignia of her persona keeps on paining me till now. I do miss her to the moon and back, which the longings of not seeing her at all has engulfed me with sadness and grief.
A closefriend of mine who suffered the same fate, shared the same sentiments that it might take a year to fully recover. To combat on that, I tried to involve myself on church community service or ministry to pass up the pain.
Lately, the my church had a tremendous outreached program showcasing the needs of the surrounding community nearby.

Feeling Forgotten by God

foto courtesy of (http://www.paulkern.me/god-will-never-forget-you/)

I am emotionally going through a difficult circumstances right now, where I feel each breath God appears to be far away which I prayed He is so silent. Instead of feeling loved and taken cared of, loneliness and abandonment takes over..this is what I feel right now.
Has he rejected me? Has His unfailing love gone forever? 

                                                    or

Does God finally closed His door of mercy upon me?

or

 I am almost at the end of the rope now, and the pleads of seeking deliverance, forgiveness and saving are the primary petitions that I am now begging to God. While seeking solace to my Father, I stumbled upon on an online article that somehow brought me back to normal thinking. With that, the sense of sharing it has pushed me to post them here so that it would remind me always that would never abandon me.

Here it is: 

"Here are all sorts of times in the Scriptures when God reminds us to remember.  We tend to be a short-sighted and forgetful bunch, and so since the beginning of time God has established pillars in time and traditions to help us to not forget.  He asks us to remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), He instructed the Israelites on crossing over the Jordan to set up pillars of stone to remember (Joshua 4).  God remembers His covenant with us forever (Psalm 105:8) and the communion service is a remembrance service. (1 Cor. 11:24-25)

We have imperfect memories and so God holds the hand of each new generation, helping us to never forget.  Why does He want us to remember?

First, to take our eyes off of ourselves and place them on Him. It is easy to get bogged down in the problems of today, and to only see the unresolved task right in front of us. It might be something relatively small that frustrates us in a particular moment:  we get locked out of the house, or we're past the deadline on a project at work, or our flight is delayed, or we realize we forgot to buy milk for the cereal. Again.

So often we forget the big picture and how He blesses us.  How He helped us find the house—a home.  We forget how He is going to touch others through the project we’re struggling to complete, and how it can change lives for Eternity. How often when we face a delayed flight do we remember the pure awesomeness of flight?  How we can travel from Orlando to Denver in under 3 hours—while watching the news or surfing the web!  And when we forget to buy the milk, how often do we, as we reach for one of 3 other breakfast options, remember how others have nothing to reach for? 

Secondly, when we remember, we set up pillars in a lost world. Just imagine a dozen or so years after Joshua and his men set up the stone memorials.  As other men, women and children walk past this memorial it is a reminder of God’s faithfulness, goodness and His promises to each generation.

Our own personal experiences are our own pillars. No one can argue our own conversion story—how He changed our hearts, our priorities, our perspective on everything.  When we remember how He has worked in our own hearts, and share that with others, we allow Him to continue that work.  We memorialize our experience.

Thirdly, by looking backwards, we can move forward.  Winston Churchill said “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.”

When we remember His working in our lives, we are better equipped for the future.  By remembering His answers to prayer, our faith grows. When we remember, our actions shift, and our hope can blossom. 

Humans need to be reminded to remember.  But God has a perfect memory.  Yet, there are things that in His mercy He chooses to forget. There is a verse—it is one of a long list—where I understand the words, but I really cannot grasp the concept. 

“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” – Isaiah 43:25 ESV

Why does God chooses to forget the very things that without Christ would separate us from Him? I cannot get my head around it.  But I thank Him for it.

By remembering we put our eyes back on Him. We set up pillars in a dark world. By remembering we can move forward into a future with Him. I praise God that though His memory is perfect, and ours is flawed—He chooses to forget."

Text courtesy of  Jean Boonstra

Photo Blog: Mountains of Desperation

I haven't blogged for quite a while, mountains of desperation has eaten out all of me which most of my time has spent worrying what to do next and the right steps to take so as begging the Celestial Being to reveal His perfect plans for me. Right now, I am in constant distraught and emotionally overloaded with agony and desperation.
The groaning too deep for words and the battles is inexpressible, deep inner struggles and pain is so hard to voice out but suppressing them inside. True enough, I am not spiritually strong still, and faith slowly fading to discouragement.

Desperation is a state of despair or utter hopelessness — the abandonment of all hope. The recklessness that grows out of despair is a powerful motivator, affecting many people's actions and life choices. The spirit of man yearns to know the purpose for his life. 

Right, I am deeply surrounded by mountains of desperation where sky of hopes is vanished, replaced by gloomy clouds of anguish. Not sure how long would this desperation in life last and not sure how long would I be able to stand and go. As human being, we have our limitations and this time I won't give God any quota nor pressuring Him just like during the time of the old old Israelites. But truly, I am madly desperate. I won't go on elaborating my rebellious attitude right now, çause He indeed knows how painful it is for me to go through such agony of frustration.





Herewith, are the pics which I took the other week.

Feeling Frustrated with Life

I am just generally hugely frustrated these days the reason my blog is pretty silence since from my last post. Haven't been blogging lately when the feeling of frustrations started to come around me and at times it feels like the world is against me.
First was, I have unintentionally lost the camera I borrowed from a friend. Of course, I have to pay or pinch hit for the same model of cam that I lost. The paying wasn't really worries me big time but the idea of not retrieving  it at all and snapping the culprit.
Second, I might be so hypocrite if hadn't this atrocious motor response after of spending $230 cost of the camera that I bought for replacement. I could have sent my parents allowance by now so as enjoying my Christmas list-to-buy, of sort.
Third, my laptop has completely dead and un-useful. Didn't apprehend that it could happen earlier of the time that I am not prepared to lost something that I treasured. The biggest challenge has been started developing when I am not used to stay at home without my lappy with me regularly, with or without internet. So, I started to adapt the feeling of having not. This is the primary reason why I can't blog the regularity as I used to be. I won't be visibly seen online as frequent.
Fourth, is as always..I am broke. I wouldn't go into details of running my explanations why I am. In this life filled with frustrations, I have no other person to run to but the Most High.
I admittedly that I have refused to be in the church for some cheap and unreasonable argumentation.

Moments of Crisis

Life could be so difficult when you are in a moment of life's confrontation. One is never fighting against an external enemy but always against one's own body.

(images courtesy of Google)

When the going gets tough, emotion runs high and usually moods seems to be so unpredictable. Crisis uncontrollably  started to come out like (a) mushroom when I got home from Europe. Things have messed up as I didn't expect that life could be so hard here in my own country than abroad, monetarily.
Four months were eventually the longest span of my stay in the Philippines as planned, but as we may say it, "Sometimes things didn't go as planned" & that sulk me. I didn't have much with me when I got home from Poland as I'm honestly not a moneyed person by nature. Neither, would I consider myself a spendthrift nor a compulsive spender when I reward myself to travel.
I never travel on posh but on a budgeted way, however, proven to be- money would probably runs dry. Sadly, none from the jobs that I have had formally applied to showed any positive signs that I could possibly fly anytime soon.

(images courtesy of Google)

Nevertheless, its not the end of the world yet, and the battle of life hasn't over. What am I just simply hoping for was that I could retain the instinct of survival while battling the odds of life.
I still have two more formal interviews this month, & if these two won't work well, much to my regret, I have to fly rightly for Cambodia before February comes.
Good heavens, that I've got friends  scattered around the part of South east Asia , worries has no place at all when I need a roof to shelter myself overseas. To say the least, I'm grateful for my friends who open their doors in times I needed a warm place to stay by & for feeding me when I don't have something to put upon on my plate. They just acting on their own without waiting for me to tell the essential needs that I long for.
Don't you think I'm being rather melodramatic? Like treats a situation as much more serious that it really is? Well, be in my shoes. Occasionally, this crisis have thought me of singing this song:

I open my eyes

I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.

I can’t remember how

I can’t remember why

I'm laying here tonight

And I can’t STAND the pain

And I can’t make it go away

No I can’t STAND the pain

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming

I try to make a sound but no one hears me

I’m slipping off the edge

I’m hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold

On to a time when 

Nothing mattered

And I can’t explain what happened

And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done

No I can’t

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Uncertainty Over Actual

After I celebrated my birthday just this Valentine(honestly I didn't celebrate it), I was awakened by a great realizations that I am no longer young in the sense that I need to be financially stable and have my own family (as my own). A stable job that I could proclaim "that I love it and enjoying it for life", like without worrying about what I am going to eat tomorrow, to wear, just like the same worries everyone is concerning about.
Because of that, I checked the website of my church and went to the Prayer Request area, shared all my cares to all my churchmates around the globe to pray for me.
The prayer request's staff responded with a bunch of verses in the Bible that could possibly helping me of worrying not.
I know, we have the same worries just let me share these verses I have with the hope you'd be enlighten just as I do.



Dear Eric,

Thank you for your request. We will pray for you.

You indicated that your prayer request is for yourself or someone else who is worried. We can find the promises of God to be trustworthy. Here are some promises that you may find to be helpful during this time.
1. The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee. (Psalm 9:9-10).
2. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul.... I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-3,4).
3. Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7).
4. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. (Psalm 46:1-3).
5. Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22).
6. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. (Psalm 91:15).
7. And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. (Isaiah 32:17).
8. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:8).
9. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30).
10. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:41-42).
11. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28).
12. We are trouble on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).
13. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7).
14. But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19).
15. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

HAVE TO HANG ON MUCH LONGER

I've been pretty busy with school, so haven't updated for a while. Last weekend was busy also, but worth blogging about!
It's been my four months and a half here in Thailand by now ,yet, so many things to discover bound to settlement.
Talking about the food, language barrier, culture and most especially conforming to my teaching conditions. These past two weeks were so extremely defatigable. My patience has been tested that I was almost tempted of giving up my teaching job here in Thailand.
The longer I teach the students, the lesser their interests to grow. And that made me looks so pathetic and a helpless foreign teacher...Poor Me.
I couldn't help but to sigh ceaselessly and feel sorry for myself. I tried everything and use all the resources that I could do, internet, videos and books, still the expression of excitement is obscure.
Futility as it may seems, I need to finish my contract so long as the Director of the school would terminate it in a shorter time.
Amounting to a small number of students have coming to my class everyday (except of course the section 1s) which signs of disinterested in Learning English, either they don't understand me or they feel bored or they just simply don't like me.
However,I am keeping myself at ease to avoid much affected and stressed over.

(MAN) AGAINST THE WORLD

What a long absent..such a long blog absent.I never forget blogging but then my life has been guarded with four walls.I have no qualms and angst at all, but a clear and peaceful mind.Huh! this is a long vacation I got for this year.
My long vacation is unexpected because of this world economic melt down.I am affected, the world is much affected too.
I didn't expect that I could have been an idle for this long..3 months straight jobless.I was at loss, stressing my mind physically with this crisis thing.However,God has given me a wide understanding about the casualty that is happening around that would surely inflict my spiritual.
Worries and complains has no rooms in my heart this time..not really this time, but minimally controlled emotions.At times, worries had tempted me to voice out my outburst emotions crazily, nevertheless God is wholly controlling it.



"Have you ever walked alone at night
Like a man against the world
No one takes your side
A boat against the tide
When your faith is shaken you start to break
And you heart cant find the words
Tossed upon the sand"

This passage is taken from the song of Survivor, "Man Against the World".I am completely against the world right now...I believed I really am. I have walked alone in the dark with so much fear and goosebumps about the creepy and scary shadows that following me .My faith has been shaken ever since I started to be seriously focused on my spiritual but done it already & allowed God to be in charge of me.When you are involved in missionary works its like in a rock the boat.Everything is getting down sadly the financial part,And you heart cant find the words,Tossed upon the sand. Painfully as it is, bravery is the word that I thought of to apply or else..I'll be lost in the battles of life.

THE QUIET SHOUT

I just want to leave the comfort zone and make major life changes so I could be as happy as I truly deserved to be....Haaay,hirap ng buhay talaga!

In my quest to search the freedom that I have longed for, hasn't visibly come. Life has been so boring, unfair in such a way that I become eccentric. Surrounded by people whom I have just met not just long ago of years, misjudge me of being wicked, a losser, undesirable, uneasy to get along with and fastidious.

But they don't know practically the real me, that I juggle a grueling unfair life the same fate that they have. Being frank is better than being vulgar,right? That's me, a frank person who never afriads to talk straight and show sincere expression. What's wrong with being frank? I'm just trying to be honest and true, visibly showing the real me instead of acting to be pious superficially but a fake trying hard individuals.

Having a real group of friends since birth and friends whom I just met in the school and in church are the people with whom I dare to be myself, my soul is naked with them only to be who and what I am.These friends understand the contradictions the nature of me that sometimes lead others to misjudge me.Nonetheless, my doors are still open for a new room of set of friends. It's fun to have a lot of friends around you, but in the canopy of a place that I temporarily considered home aren't (a) friends as I expected to be. They don't understand the inner demons of myself, I can't really be myself around with them.

They were blinded the selfishness and egoism that they don't see everything about me and love me of being who I am, but just loving me of what I have that they enjoyed freely, devouring what I earned (heaven forbid). The worm that itches the paranoia in me sparks to a critical perspective that they are just hypocrites and nothing but a family of pharisees,damn heck.

I was in deep distressed that regrettable is the word I choose, accepting somebody and fed them plainly on my palm,yet, turn their back on me. Now I already knew their true colors that easily faded when things turn out to be badly.

They never know the beginning lives of a shadow behind me with all the struggles in-between. I am also doing my best to protect and controlling myself from the predators in life or death struggle. Surviving the harsh changing life is really hard to control which the strong foundation of friendship that you have started literality melting away in front of me.

My heart is shouting quietly which the remedial likely to knock down the pain.

As a saying goes, "No friends-hard life.Many (real good) friends-hard life, but with (real good) friends." Honestly, life is hard nowadays, so why would I worry over to an unworthy to worry of?

SHATTERED HOPE

Faith beyond faith healing....my hopes are almost gone. I always trudge the road to a place I called dreams, and now reality awaken me to wonder what I did to deserve such a plight. "What kind of God would let me down like this?" Thats the question I'm asking the Lord right now.

A recent event that I was anticipating to come turned to be a tragic one resulting to a bleeding of my heart profusely.

You see the problems I have had and is still a problem up to now isn't a lack of faith but a vision and hopes that I wanted to have not just for my sake but for Him and for my family as well,unselfishly.

Contrary wise, it's opposite to what I think of which is so hard to accept by heart.Last September of this year,I took the LET board exam believing that I would pass the exam because of the encouragement of my fellow educators to try.

It took a while before I got pursuaded to give it a try til the examination day arrived with tension and nervous.

When the result had published both the website of PRC and at the Manila Bulletin newspaper,everybody took a peep checking the names of thier friends,loved ones,etc. Refusing as I may call it, was the feeling clouded my heart as my body shivering for the result.

Sad to say,I flunked at the board exam included my colleagues and consider friends.It was painful as if it was a fist in my stomach.

No tears had streamed down nor to water my eyes but a questions of why? I knew that I had some shortcomings and was unprepared to take the exam but my expectations was a bit 60% since I prayed it hard to the Lord to consider it.

Nonetheless,the result was already there. I never had a preparations nor enough time to review because of the demand of my job as tutor.

Not sure by now if I would take the exam again because of the fear dwellings in my heart...chances would come but the assurance of taking the risk is a big No right now. I had enough and for the second chance is too much to bear.

LISTENING IN THE STILLNESS

Was there a point in your life when you felt so tired and were ready to give up on life? Or have you felt that you were a victim of frustration and fate seems to be unkind?
Have you felt at times in your life that you were just going around in the cycles ,nowhere to go?
In life's journey, we sometimes find ourselves in the middle of despair and lost in a barren wilderness of frustrations.Just last month,fears and anxiety had made me restless and caused my insomnia to attack me every night up to now.
As I look the fast changes of this world,worrying for the future brought so much trouble in mind as if tomorrow is the end of the world.Searching for a better future or stable job is the impossibility of the possible.
I always dreaming of getting out the country just to try my luck...since the grass is more greener on the other side.
My job doesn't give me satisfaction financially especially that I am getting on in years.As I always begging the good Lord to open the door of opportunities abroad,He answered my humble request unknowing that it wasn't really the perfect answer given by God but a sort of trials to test my patience.
A petition letter from USA had just arrived unexpectedly for a missionary call,but to my excitement everything went in vain because of the financial scarcity I had then.
Doubt questions popped out and asking the Lord so many Why's...
I was disappointed and spiritually drought that apathy started to grow in my heart.For a couple of days of refusing to talk to the Lord,I gave in and offered a peace offering for the Lord.
Just realized that God invites me to stop for a while and be still and silent before Him over my dreams of going to US.Indeed, sometimes God emptied my pockets so He can fill my hearts of love.
Now,I don't let the noise of my dreams drown the voice of God.

BATTLING THE ODDS OF LIFE

Life has been so tight this time,prices of oil,gas,and prime commodities soaring high.Sometimes you unavoidably asked yourself,what life will be like tomorrow;in the future?
I'm losing my hope to the government,but not to my country dear Philippines.Working abroad has always been a dream for me since then,just looking around makes me so discouraged and sad.
With a meager salary,fewer jobs in industry,sets the gap between rich and poor.Worrying about what would be the future holds,the closer I plans to get married..life seems to be tougher.Staying still as Bachelor's makes me to push for a while..how can I plan seriously,if life in this country liken to be a great roller coaster on a moonless night?
As I count the years as months,and counts the months as week, and count the weeks as days,the more life is getting complicated.
There are many possible destinations and routes to each destination.Sometimes we need to be vigilant thus onlookers of what lies ahead.We need to survive the currents,storms and reefs to be dealt with,but we can sail our ship to where we want it to go.
The Filipinos has been battling the odds economically since the coming of Spaniards,down to the present governments.I felt like boarding on a boat sailing on a mighty river,interchange every now and again on a ride along parallel or divergent tracks to the same destination.
Up to now,Filipinos haven't experienced the bed of roses economically...as what Senator Dick Gordon said: "What this country needs is not the change of men,but the change in Men."

Lonely Journey-According to Eric Chua

Just this morning while I was browsing the net searching for good templates,I just found my way to Maynas Chua blog...the entry was intriguing to me and pushing me to read all the contents with strong agreement.
All of us were into a Lonely-Journey..please do read his writing below....



Lonely Journey
Sometimes when I walk alone, I recall about the past, a not so recent past.
What might have happened if none has happened, is a question that can receive no answers.
What now matters is knowing that the present holds the key to the future, and if I don’t hold hold so tightly,
It will slip away, and slipped away this thing called “time” has had for many a person has let go
Once I have lived in the most beautiful love story no author could have ever wrote,
Then it was broken in a few moments of madness, and I gave everything I could to repair it,
Even if a broken vase is repaired, the cracks can still be seen, yes, this I understand.
But I know what was broken, can never be broken again, because we finally knew it could be broken. Nothing is perfect.
But if it had not happened, and I went back to my home where I came from, I would not have realized important things.
This time with open eyes I saw how everyone around me was struggling, barely making enough to survive, will I be one of them ?
I fear for what might happen if I continued what I was doing, which was the same as them, if I do the same, I will get the same. That is not rocket science and difficult to understand.
And what I chose to do may sound insane to some, I gave up short term gains for long term growth, if they are making barely enough to survive, I was then making nothing to be extinct.
Lonely is the man without love to give up a salary for a chance in business, one that he knew will succeed. But one in which he has to take the role of 10 men with 10 different jobs. How I managed to do it, I did not know. I only thought of 3 things, the future, my family and her.
The start is always difficult they say, and yes it is indeed. Everything was difficult, now it’s easier, much easier. But one thing pains me more than anything else, love. Please don’t disappear into a place where I can never see you again.
I really hope this Lonely Journey would end soon…
And where it leads…
will be a place where we will hold hands again…
I love you and always will.

AGONIZING THE PAIN OF FRUSTRATIONS

Once again,I failed to update my blog and was in the hiatus for a while.The previous days was filled with rushing errands that forced me to catch the time on its specific target.Amid the painful bite of the summer,I never get tired of rushing here and there grabbing every opportunities that offers a good financial stability.
I have no other tenacious desire but to work abroad that provides me a better future....monetarily.
Yet,luck isn't kind to me this time as if opportunity aloof and keeping in distance.As much as possible,I never passed any moment but search all the possible teaching jobs abroad and some were responding back and some aren't and some just kept ignoring me.
I was very down and frustrated just this previous weeks...thinking about the rejections I got from abroad.....well,I always praying that somehow I would be accepted and share the talents and education that I've learned from school.