Moments of Crisis

Life could be so difficult when you are in a moment of life's confrontation. One is never fighting against an external enemy but always against one's own body.

(images courtesy of Google)

When the going gets tough, emotion runs high and usually moods seems to be so unpredictable. Crisis uncontrollably  started to come out like (a) mushroom when I got home from Europe. Things have messed up as I didn't expect that life could be so hard here in my own country than abroad, monetarily.
Four months were eventually the longest span of my stay in the Philippines as planned, but as we may say it, "Sometimes things didn't go as planned" & that sulk me. I didn't have much with me when I got home from Poland as I'm honestly not a moneyed person by nature. Neither, would I consider myself a spendthrift nor a compulsive spender when I reward myself to travel.
I never travel on posh but on a budgeted way, however, proven to be- money would probably runs dry. Sadly, none from the jobs that I have had formally applied to showed any positive signs that I could possibly fly anytime soon.

(images courtesy of Google)

Nevertheless, its not the end of the world yet, and the battle of life hasn't over. What am I just simply hoping for was that I could retain the instinct of survival while battling the odds of life.
I still have two more formal interviews this month, & if these two won't work well, much to my regret, I have to fly rightly for Cambodia before February comes.
Good heavens, that I've got friends  scattered around the part of South east Asia , worries has no place at all when I need a roof to shelter myself overseas. To say the least, I'm grateful for my friends who open their doors in times I needed a warm place to stay by & for feeding me when I don't have something to put upon on my plate. They just acting on their own without waiting for me to tell the essential needs that I long for.
Don't you think I'm being rather melodramatic? Like treats a situation as much more serious that it really is? Well, be in my shoes. Occasionally, this crisis have thought me of singing this song:

I open my eyes

I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.

I can’t remember how

I can’t remember why

I'm laying here tonight

And I can’t STAND the pain

And I can’t make it go away

No I can’t STAND the pain

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming

I try to make a sound but no one hears me

I’m slipping off the edge

I’m hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold

On to a time when 

Nothing mattered

And I can’t explain what happened

And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done

No I can’t

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

LOST IN CAPITAL CITY

"If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future".
(Source:http://g8.no/index.php?showimage=309)
I found this picture very fascinating so as with the message....There are moments and ways I have found myself alone and desolate in places I dare not speak of.Lost in the capital city, broken promises and untrodded.
I am bored that sometimes I lost myself in the city of joy, looking for my way back home.

ONE SOLITARY LIFE

Was blog absent for a while..decided myself to be in the hiatus for a couple of days since I was occupied with tutorial works so as my monetary budget was out..then. Now, I am back and love to share things more of me.
When you see the face of a person smiling, just as the sunshines in the sky shows the world that one feels happy and the moods is soaring high.
Most of the times, I feel so very sad and really don't know why, maybe its because I am struggling & grappling still attaining my dreams. Friends would just jokingly said, its a matter of tuning yourself through different frequencies of life; go with the flow of the current where it leads you.
Life is like a river continuous procession moving forward in a steady stream. Sometimes the flowing is rough when it isn't too deep. One of the reasons why I am sad its because halfway of my friends and acquaintances were already gone abroad and some of which were expecting me to be at the other side of the world already, grazing the greenest pasture.
I have thought occasionally that I was born unlucky, deprived by fate. Albeit failed a hundred times or so I am still firmly determined to try with the hope fortune would give its damn way. As luck would have it, my spirited heart has resolved the simpler form of acceptance, so long as the world continue to revolve around the axis there is still hope.
As the song goes " beyond the dark cloudy nights, the sun is shining through".I would have retired my fate if God would leave me just as it is..but I believed He won't do that to a special creature like me.

(SURVIVOR) MAN AGAINST THE WORLD

SURVIVOR-MAN AGAINST THE WORLD

Have you ever walked alone at night
Like a man against the world
No one takes your side
A boat against the tide
When your faith is shaken you start to break
And you heart cant find the words
Tossed upon the sand
I give you a man against the world
All the people cheer til the end is near
And the hero takes a fall
Then theyll drag you through the mud
Youre only flesh and blood
I have walked the path from dark to light
And theyve yet to come to terms
Alone I take my stand
Im only a man against the world

And love, like a distant reminder
It tugs at my shoulder
It calls me home
I shout, can a single voice carry
Will I find sanctuary within your arms
Someday when the answers clearer
Someday when I even the score
Youll reach and youll find me near you
Right beside you
Forevermore

But for now Ill walk the night alone
Like a man against the world
A brand new day will shine
Through the avalanche of time
Now the roads grown long, but the spirits strong
And the fire within still burns
Alone I take my stand
I give you a man against the world

I just only know this song a couple of months ago.While I was on my summer vacation in Olongapo city..A piled of cd's was just messing around, one of it was a collection of 80's slow rocks.Since I'm an 80's guy I played it and this song caught my senses...I paused for awhile trying to savor and understand the message.
Upon hearing the song,I felt a sudden change of emotion that chilled me to goosebumps..Realizing that I am the man being mentioned against the world.
Sometimes,I felt that nobody takes at my side when I am down and out, frustration of fulfilling ones dream keep on taunting me.
Discouragement and envy keeps on dancing around me as if hopes has no longer power to encourage my weary soul.
Nevertheless, the song says But for now Ill walk the night alone
Like a man against the world
A brand new day will shine
Through the avalanche of time
Now the roads grown long, but the spirits strong
And the fire within still burns
Alone I take my stand
I give you a man against the world.

(MAN) AGAINST THE WORLD

What a long absent..such a long blog absent.I never forget blogging but then my life has been guarded with four walls.I have no qualms and angst at all, but a clear and peaceful mind.Huh! this is a long vacation I got for this year.
My long vacation is unexpected because of this world economic melt down.I am affected, the world is much affected too.
I didn't expect that I could have been an idle for this long..3 months straight jobless.I was at loss, stressing my mind physically with this crisis thing.However,God has given me a wide understanding about the casualty that is happening around that would surely inflict my spiritual.
Worries and complains has no rooms in my heart this time..not really this time, but minimally controlled emotions.At times, worries had tempted me to voice out my outburst emotions crazily, nevertheless God is wholly controlling it.



"Have you ever walked alone at night
Like a man against the world
No one takes your side
A boat against the tide
When your faith is shaken you start to break
And you heart cant find the words
Tossed upon the sand"

This passage is taken from the song of Survivor, "Man Against the World".I am completely against the world right now...I believed I really am. I have walked alone in the dark with so much fear and goosebumps about the creepy and scary shadows that following me .My faith has been shaken ever since I started to be seriously focused on my spiritual but done it already & allowed God to be in charge of me.When you are involved in missionary works its like in a rock the boat.Everything is getting down sadly the financial part,And you heart cant find the words,Tossed upon the sand. Painfully as it is, bravery is the word that I thought of to apply or else..I'll be lost in the battles of life.

IN TIMES LIKE THESE

The world is hopeless now, as the world's getting older the more our conditions become critically worst. Our money have lost a great deal of their purchasing power.
The world is in the midst of an absolutely enormous financial crisis. Recently, four great banks in America announced its bankruptcy, with many major banks and other respected financial institutions in danger collapsing. Philippine stock exchange, seriously dying following the less job opportunity in the country with meager salaries but massive government corruptions.
Chaos in Thailand, pathetical bombing in India and in various parts of Middle East. Non stop wars from selected countries keep wreaking havoc the fear conditions of the young and innocent minds.
Natural related disasters continually damaging some parts of the world, that left emptiness to every loss of individuals. A famous American Economic analyst predicted America would suffer a great economic melt down by the year 2009 and onwards. it is the most powerful country inthe world but economically paralyzed that affects the world market.
These facts dishearten me much so as my future clearly vanish. In times like these, what will you do? what would be the first things that pops out into your mind? In times like these, where are you going?
If I'm going to ask or if I were to ask myself, I practically don't know...I,myself is a hopeless homosapiens and is trying to survive these striking analogical crisis.Truly, its an alarming to realize that I am really unable and lacking strength since I'm still jobless and has no permanent job. As I can see , my education has no used to no avails.

THE QUIET SHOUT

I just want to leave the comfort zone and make major life changes so I could be as happy as I truly deserved to be....Haaay,hirap ng buhay talaga!

In my quest to search the freedom that I have longed for, hasn't visibly come. Life has been so boring, unfair in such a way that I become eccentric. Surrounded by people whom I have just met not just long ago of years, misjudge me of being wicked, a losser, undesirable, uneasy to get along with and fastidious.

But they don't know practically the real me, that I juggle a grueling unfair life the same fate that they have. Being frank is better than being vulgar,right? That's me, a frank person who never afriads to talk straight and show sincere expression. What's wrong with being frank? I'm just trying to be honest and true, visibly showing the real me instead of acting to be pious superficially but a fake trying hard individuals.

Having a real group of friends since birth and friends whom I just met in the school and in church are the people with whom I dare to be myself, my soul is naked with them only to be who and what I am.These friends understand the contradictions the nature of me that sometimes lead others to misjudge me.Nonetheless, my doors are still open for a new room of set of friends. It's fun to have a lot of friends around you, but in the canopy of a place that I temporarily considered home aren't (a) friends as I expected to be. They don't understand the inner demons of myself, I can't really be myself around with them.

They were blinded the selfishness and egoism that they don't see everything about me and love me of being who I am, but just loving me of what I have that they enjoyed freely, devouring what I earned (heaven forbid). The worm that itches the paranoia in me sparks to a critical perspective that they are just hypocrites and nothing but a family of pharisees,damn heck.

I was in deep distressed that regrettable is the word I choose, accepting somebody and fed them plainly on my palm,yet, turn their back on me. Now I already knew their true colors that easily faded when things turn out to be badly.

They never know the beginning lives of a shadow behind me with all the struggles in-between. I am also doing my best to protect and controlling myself from the predators in life or death struggle. Surviving the harsh changing life is really hard to control which the strong foundation of friendship that you have started literality melting away in front of me.

My heart is shouting quietly which the remedial likely to knock down the pain.

As a saying goes, "No friends-hard life.Many (real good) friends-hard life, but with (real good) friends." Honestly, life is hard nowadays, so why would I worry over to an unworthy to worry of?