A GRAIN OF DREAMS

Each day that you live is like turning the page of a book that still has no end. One whole day is a continuation of the story that makes up your life.
I've been away for a quite sometimes and was unable to update my blog since I'm getting addictive of Facebook farmtown games so as the Twitter.It's already the month of September which the signs of Christmas started to fill our days with the coolness of the weather.Ber(as in September, October, November) has been the starting point of Christmas in the Philippines though it isn't visibly clear but you can feel it the blowing of the air that gently touches your face coldly.
Sadness won't leave me peacefully since counting the year 2009 is becoming a months now yet nothing happens in my life worth to be counted of.
I have a couples of applications that was sent and under evaluation by now which is a good opportunity (from) abroad.My fingers is crossed tightly that somehow the Celestial Being would be kind enough to me this year...I really need to get out of the island before the year ends.
My journey as I grow older is the process of knowing who I am, then recognizing my strengths, and limitations, and finally realization would proved me that no matter how I dream big still its a grain of dreams after all.
Sometimes my knees shake painfully, too tired of fighting the same reasons and goal yet nothing happens...Honestly, familiar faces whom I know which some of them are younger than me successfully making their way abroad that brings so much pain and tears in my life, why they have the good chance to work abroad yet I can't?
Signs isn't enough to be appreciated that opportunity is on its way to my door ready to be grasped...I had enough signs..so enough for it...I want answers that would satisfied my long questions.

(MAN) AGAINST THE WORLD

What a long absent..such a long blog absent.I never forget blogging but then my life has been guarded with four walls.I have no qualms and angst at all, but a clear and peaceful mind.Huh! this is a long vacation I got for this year.
My long vacation is unexpected because of this world economic melt down.I am affected, the world is much affected too.
I didn't expect that I could have been an idle for this long..3 months straight jobless.I was at loss, stressing my mind physically with this crisis thing.However,God has given me a wide understanding about the casualty that is happening around that would surely inflict my spiritual.
Worries and complains has no rooms in my heart this time..not really this time, but minimally controlled emotions.At times, worries had tempted me to voice out my outburst emotions crazily, nevertheless God is wholly controlling it.



"Have you ever walked alone at night
Like a man against the world
No one takes your side
A boat against the tide
When your faith is shaken you start to break
And you heart cant find the words
Tossed upon the sand"

This passage is taken from the song of Survivor, "Man Against the World".I am completely against the world right now...I believed I really am. I have walked alone in the dark with so much fear and goosebumps about the creepy and scary shadows that following me .My faith has been shaken ever since I started to be seriously focused on my spiritual but done it already & allowed God to be in charge of me.When you are involved in missionary works its like in a rock the boat.Everything is getting down sadly the financial part,And you heart cant find the words,Tossed upon the sand. Painfully as it is, bravery is the word that I thought of to apply or else..I'll be lost in the battles of life.

BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE

I wasn't good enough for real, the reason I was met with much anxiety. The question are, what's my priority in life? Wife? Comfort? or Financial stability, perhaps?
The sporting desire of my elusive dreams are complemented by exceptional roller coaster ride, highly generous amounts of patience and long suffering, of course there should be flexibility to match.So I can be what I want to be.."Hirap ng Buhay talaga ngayon, haaayyy!
Listing some of the movies, I had viewed during lent season were the following:












(Disclaimer: just want to thanks Google.com for these posters and Rose&Richard Cayanan for sharing these movies to me)

OVERFED BUT UNDERNOURISHED

Huh! long holy week vacation's over, it's over for a vacationers-except me. Except for a jobless, unemployed like me, - us. Sounds very pathetic and hopeless isn't it? Unemployed in the midst of the global crisis is a worthless & unmeritorious citizen. What can I do? I was born poor, unfortunate, ill-fated college graduate.
Living in a barren corrupted country slowly enfeeble my hopes as I am counting the days everyday. Sometimes, my inclinations to worry unduly executed me as if it grips my neck tightly and leave me breathless.
Occasionally, I ask myself f God has abandoned me completely. I have never been so lucky since my life is always paired with regrettable inauspicious living, comparing to other like my cousins, friends, acquiantances, and even classmates back both in high school and college.
Considering overfed with food and dreams but undernourished materially. Undernourished all the answers being asked in life.
I am honestly starving of the answers I needed, why I'm always left situated at the end-most? Why can't I be preceding all others in order? Why can't I be succeeded just like them? Life seems to be unfair and unpromising in terms of thing conducive to happiness.
My holy week vacation wasn't favorable & fertile as I expected to happen. Not just because I wasn't gratified & felicitously happy meeting with my cousins, except for the fact that my intellectual ability is boggling with doubt questions instead of resting it from the puzzling enigmatic life. I left my rented place for a short vacation monetarily emptied so as I came back still empty handed. What a wasted nonsense life! Don't you think it is?
Aside from the crucial hot weather that caused ny head aching, thinking hardly about my future is among the ultimate problems form a mental picture in mind. The lack of sleep, food, and money has been excruciatingly tough. Adding to that, the global economic meltdown, less jobs offer in the country is an alarming scenario that shakens me, resulting (to) the weakens of my spiritual badly.
Honestly, I'm lonely, sad, angry, hopeless and crying everyday. Throughout the lent days, harboring myself by watching movies was the last opt I did just to ease the pain and head-aches.
Temporarily, it diverted my mind somewhere else nonetheless, it didn't cure absolutely.
Below are the posters of the films I had watched just this lent days. I thank my cousin Rose and her husband Richard for lending me those movies thru out the week. If you haven't watched them, please try to. Some, may old films already but still worth to watch.

DRAMATIC SIDE OF LIFE

Sometimes life is merciless and unjust.Do you agree? Life is unfair that sometimes its cheating us all the way out. When problems in the world can offer have stumbled over us we cried out and ask,is this what we call "Life is Beautiful" when you suffer (from) pain and inadequacy?
I may sound a melodramatist but what am I saying is, the reality that you'll see around you can speak. Not only the environment that would bring attestation on that,even ourselves can speak to that.
It's unreasonable to view the four sides of life without spotting any holes of adversaries,isn't it?
Nonetheless,I have been an emotive person since the door of reality and events comes with the totality of veracity.
Describing my emotions right now is in the wry of rage and envious,prophesying how obscure my life would be. Have been falling down,dissatisfied and was defeated from my endeavors a hundred times, was a ruthless but an unfair,life.
Questioning the proportions of life is beyond what you can fully understand the true essence of life a man can have.
Looking my classmates and friends back in high school,how successfully they are abroad and happily enjoying the lives they have chosen. What about me? what I'm gonna do? Would I still have the happiness and success in life in the latter part or none at all?

SHATTERED HOPE

Faith beyond faith healing....my hopes are almost gone. I always trudge the road to a place I called dreams, and now reality awaken me to wonder what I did to deserve such a plight. "What kind of God would let me down like this?" Thats the question I'm asking the Lord right now.

A recent event that I was anticipating to come turned to be a tragic one resulting to a bleeding of my heart profusely.

You see the problems I have had and is still a problem up to now isn't a lack of faith but a vision and hopes that I wanted to have not just for my sake but for Him and for my family as well,unselfishly.

Contrary wise, it's opposite to what I think of which is so hard to accept by heart.Last September of this year,I took the LET board exam believing that I would pass the exam because of the encouragement of my fellow educators to try.

It took a while before I got pursuaded to give it a try til the examination day arrived with tension and nervous.

When the result had published both the website of PRC and at the Manila Bulletin newspaper,everybody took a peep checking the names of thier friends,loved ones,etc. Refusing as I may call it, was the feeling clouded my heart as my body shivering for the result.

Sad to say,I flunked at the board exam included my colleagues and consider friends.It was painful as if it was a fist in my stomach.

No tears had streamed down nor to water my eyes but a questions of why? I knew that I had some shortcomings and was unprepared to take the exam but my expectations was a bit 60% since I prayed it hard to the Lord to consider it.

Nonetheless,the result was already there. I never had a preparations nor enough time to review because of the demand of my job as tutor.

Not sure by now if I would take the exam again because of the fear dwellings in my heart...chances would come but the assurance of taking the risk is a big No right now. I had enough and for the second chance is too much to bear.

NEVER HAD A DREAM COME TRUE

The man for whom time stretches out painfully is one waiting in vain, disappointed at not finding tomorrow already continuing yesterday.
Theodor Adorno

Life comes in unexpected ways,the unwavering and phenomenal time hibernates rapidly.The changes of the world sometimes awestruck us dumbfounding as if the world is racing up with the time.
From the far stretched land of this universe,it always instill in my mind that dreams do come true.
Honestly,the future is an enigmatic issue for me.Worrying much about my dreams and ambition,usually brings me in the stillness of temporary inaction,lingering the time.
I always anticipate greater adversaries as I dream that would definitely defile my spirited beings to dream.Some dreams may fall unexpectedly into depression for being jobless or ended up into a mediocre job with meager salary.
However, the depression might reach its end,but the controversy where I was sandwiched in,would still prevail.
I am certain that every step I march on that red-carpeted path would definitely mean that no matter how I struggle much and extend my effort still an impossibility of the possibility.
The future looks bleak that brought loneliness in my heart...would I still continue my star gazing and dreaming? How long would I dream? Sometimes,streamline of tears goes down to my check as I was looking up the clear blue sky.
With a frustrating government and economic crisis that really feels nostalgic about life,continually telling myself I never had a dream come true...