Unbearable Pain of Loss Upon Death of My Parents

It took me more than a month to come back and dish out a specific topic to post. Life has been so cruelly hard and unfair since last year of September when my mother died.
Honest to goodness, I haven't completely adjusted to her death maybe it's because I didn't get the chance of talking & seeing her since I left home to work abroad. And that was the most torturing part of my life then...I was caught off guard by her sudden death.
Eleven months after, another member of the family died. A piece of heartbreaking news came when I was informed that my uncle died (the oldest brother of my mother).
Two weeks after, my world started to collapse again when a bad report came about my father. He was unconsciously admitted to the hospital due to hypertension. And from then on, he didn't wake up but could constantly be moving his body.
As the days getting longer, no signs of hope at all that he could be revived. Surprisingly, the day that I hated much came. From then on, I became so bland and hopeless.
That's when I knew that I am already ALONE and turned out to be so LONELY.
After the interment, everything back to normal as if nothing happen, where everyone had to go back to their usual life. My niece, who grew up under my parents' care decided to leave and be with her husband in the capital city - prolly, because of sadness too.
When the final time came that everyone had to leave, back to their respective places, I suddenly felt so all ALONE and LONELY. I felt like being trapped in an empty room looking for something.
I became so helpless, unfocused, and undetermined. Days and nights have been a bed of weeping.
I am back in Thailand now working at a new school trying to make ends meet and adapting to a new pace of life. Adjusting is among the demands in life that I hated most.
Right now, the need to put me in a fine-tune footing of being alone & solo is another chapter of my life which I have to get used to.
If I were to decide now, all I ever wanted is to go home and be in my home place with my kin and friends. My heart earnestly longs for home, I guess this is the saying; " There's No Place Like Home, Sweet Home."

IN TIMES LIKE THESE

The world is hopeless now, as the world's getting older the more our conditions become critically worst. Our money have lost a great deal of their purchasing power.
The world is in the midst of an absolutely enormous financial crisis. Recently, four great banks in America announced its bankruptcy, with many major banks and other respected financial institutions in danger collapsing. Philippine stock exchange, seriously dying following the less job opportunity in the country with meager salaries but massive government corruptions.
Chaos in Thailand, pathetical bombing in India and in various parts of Middle East. Non stop wars from selected countries keep wreaking havoc the fear conditions of the young and innocent minds.
Natural related disasters continually damaging some parts of the world, that left emptiness to every loss of individuals. A famous American Economic analyst predicted America would suffer a great economic melt down by the year 2009 and onwards. it is the most powerful country inthe world but economically paralyzed that affects the world market.
These facts dishearten me much so as my future clearly vanish. In times like these, what will you do? what would be the first things that pops out into your mind? In times like these, where are you going?
If I'm going to ask or if I were to ask myself, I practically don't know...I,myself is a hopeless homosapiens and is trying to survive these striking analogical crisis.Truly, its an alarming to realize that I am really unable and lacking strength since I'm still jobless and has no permanent job. As I can see , my education has no used to no avails.

THE QUIET SHOUT

I just want to leave the comfort zone and make major life changes so I could be as happy as I truly deserved to be....Haaay,hirap ng buhay talaga!

In my quest to search the freedom that I have longed for, hasn't visibly come. Life has been so boring, unfair in such a way that I become eccentric. Surrounded by people whom I have just met not just long ago of years, misjudge me of being wicked, a losser, undesirable, uneasy to get along with and fastidious.

But they don't know practically the real me, that I juggle a grueling unfair life the same fate that they have. Being frank is better than being vulgar,right? That's me, a frank person who never afriads to talk straight and show sincere expression. What's wrong with being frank? I'm just trying to be honest and true, visibly showing the real me instead of acting to be pious superficially but a fake trying hard individuals.

Having a real group of friends since birth and friends whom I just met in the school and in church are the people with whom I dare to be myself, my soul is naked with them only to be who and what I am.These friends understand the contradictions the nature of me that sometimes lead others to misjudge me.Nonetheless, my doors are still open for a new room of set of friends. It's fun to have a lot of friends around you, but in the canopy of a place that I temporarily considered home aren't (a) friends as I expected to be. They don't understand the inner demons of myself, I can't really be myself around with them.

They were blinded the selfishness and egoism that they don't see everything about me and love me of being who I am, but just loving me of what I have that they enjoyed freely, devouring what I earned (heaven forbid). The worm that itches the paranoia in me sparks to a critical perspective that they are just hypocrites and nothing but a family of pharisees,damn heck.

I was in deep distressed that regrettable is the word I choose, accepting somebody and fed them plainly on my palm,yet, turn their back on me. Now I already knew their true colors that easily faded when things turn out to be badly.

They never know the beginning lives of a shadow behind me with all the struggles in-between. I am also doing my best to protect and controlling myself from the predators in life or death struggle. Surviving the harsh changing life is really hard to control which the strong foundation of friendship that you have started literality melting away in front of me.

My heart is shouting quietly which the remedial likely to knock down the pain.

As a saying goes, "No friends-hard life.Many (real good) friends-hard life, but with (real good) friends." Honestly, life is hard nowadays, so why would I worry over to an unworthy to worry of?

DRAMATIC SIDE OF LIFE

Sometimes life is merciless and unjust.Do you agree? Life is unfair that sometimes its cheating us all the way out. When problems in the world can offer have stumbled over us we cried out and ask,is this what we call "Life is Beautiful" when you suffer (from) pain and inadequacy?
I may sound a melodramatist but what am I saying is, the reality that you'll see around you can speak. Not only the environment that would bring attestation on that,even ourselves can speak to that.
It's unreasonable to view the four sides of life without spotting any holes of adversaries,isn't it?
Nonetheless,I have been an emotive person since the door of reality and events comes with the totality of veracity.
Describing my emotions right now is in the wry of rage and envious,prophesying how obscure my life would be. Have been falling down,dissatisfied and was defeated from my endeavors a hundred times, was a ruthless but an unfair,life.
Questioning the proportions of life is beyond what you can fully understand the true essence of life a man can have.
Looking my classmates and friends back in high school,how successfully they are abroad and happily enjoying the lives they have chosen. What about me? what I'm gonna do? Would I still have the happiness and success in life in the latter part or none at all?

SHATTERED HOPE

Faith beyond faith healing....my hopes are almost gone. I always trudge the road to a place I called dreams, and now reality awaken me to wonder what I did to deserve such a plight. "What kind of God would let me down like this?" Thats the question I'm asking the Lord right now.

A recent event that I was anticipating to come turned to be a tragic one resulting to a bleeding of my heart profusely.

You see the problems I have had and is still a problem up to now isn't a lack of faith but a vision and hopes that I wanted to have not just for my sake but for Him and for my family as well,unselfishly.

Contrary wise, it's opposite to what I think of which is so hard to accept by heart.Last September of this year,I took the LET board exam believing that I would pass the exam because of the encouragement of my fellow educators to try.

It took a while before I got pursuaded to give it a try til the examination day arrived with tension and nervous.

When the result had published both the website of PRC and at the Manila Bulletin newspaper,everybody took a peep checking the names of thier friends,loved ones,etc. Refusing as I may call it, was the feeling clouded my heart as my body shivering for the result.

Sad to say,I flunked at the board exam included my colleagues and consider friends.It was painful as if it was a fist in my stomach.

No tears had streamed down nor to water my eyes but a questions of why? I knew that I had some shortcomings and was unprepared to take the exam but my expectations was a bit 60% since I prayed it hard to the Lord to consider it.

Nonetheless,the result was already there. I never had a preparations nor enough time to review because of the demand of my job as tutor.

Not sure by now if I would take the exam again because of the fear dwellings in my heart...chances would come but the assurance of taking the risk is a big No right now. I had enough and for the second chance is too much to bear.